From My Colon to Yours

Posted by Sherry , Sunday, May 29, 2011 Sunday, May 29, 2011


I have the surefire solution to making your goal weight in a matter of days: get admitted to the hospital, strapped to an IV and consume nothing but clear liquids. Heck, sometimes you don't even want the sweet taste of WATER when the insides of your body feel like they are trying hacksaw their way to the OUTSIDE a la Alien with Sigourney Weaver. Or a la Spaceballs, wherein those insides then dance upon your colon donning a tophat and cane.

Now, no need to worry your pretty little heads, dear readers. I have simply been diagnosed with an old lady disease called Diverticulitis. Basically, stuff gets stuck to the insides of my colon and makes parts of it swell, pop and infect the rest of my body! Now there's some light evening reading for ya! It is a condition controlled through diet and isn't nearly as serious as it sounds. I'm just really REALLY young for such a condition, apparently.

Basically, my colon has decided it is 72 years old and doesn't like me to eat nuts, seeds or popcorn. I've also recently taken to calling everyone “dearie” and sit six inches closer to the steering wheel when I drive.

Now, this is just one of the many reasons I've been missing in the blogosphere but I'm feeling an upswing of inspiration and hope to be more present in the upcoming months.

Nonetheless, here are some awesome NSVs that I've experienced in my absence and would be remiss in not sharing them with you all:

  1. while at a park birthday party for a 3 year old, a friend of mine comes over to say, and I quote: “When we pulled into the parking lot an looked over, I thought “Barbie” (as in, Ken & Barbie?!) was pushing Ruby on the swing”. Now, I won't remind you or myself that this particular friend is partially blind and wasn't wearing her glasses that day. Let's just focus on how she thought I looked like BARBIE—of course, I actually HAVE a butt crack and only stand on my tippy toes to reach the poptarts from the pantry shelves -- but otherwise, I forsee me being the next Barbie doll inspiration: “Weight Loss Surgery Barbie! Less stretch marks! Press her port and she PBs! Now with her own bottle of bariatric vitamins! Inspiration for obese little girls everywhere!”

  2. Whilst folding a basket of laundry this week, I picked up a pair of my own shorts and thought aloud, “now WHO'S SHORTS ARE THESE?!” These shorts looked WAY too small for me and way too big for my 2.5 year old so I was certain that Husband was getting some on the sly with some hot tiny chick. I was being my usual calm, collected self – as you know I ALWAYS am – when I realized, “HEY! Those are MY shorts!” Again, let's not focus on how these particular shorts have that magical 'stretchy' material in them and shrink upon each washing.

  3. Most of the time, intravenous fluids, using a barf basin and eating orange jello doesn't exactly conjur up the 'sexy' in us. But when the umpteenth medical professional stands there mouth agape and says “YOU had weight loss surgery? Really? You look so...normal” well, it brings out the Paris Hilton in me. Although, its hard to get your 'strut' on when you're attached to a beeping machine via your arm veins and hopped up on morphine. Also, let's try to forget about the fact that most of these nurses and the GI doctors spend most of their time looking at poop and butts and focus on the fact that even THEY couldn't tell I'd had WLS. That's hot.

  4. Finally, and probably most significant for me, is that last night, for Hubby's birthday dinner, I slipped right into the dress I wore for our wedding rehearsal dinner! This dress is a size 12 and I only wore it once but held onto it because I loved it so dearly and felt certain that SOMEDAY it would fit again. Six long years later, the DRESS FIT. Let us not mention the super-sucker panties that had to accompany said dress this go-round. It still fits and damn if I didn't look as good as I did six years ago – minus the wrinkly old lady colon.

Sadly, despite all these great NSVs and the help of a starvation diet and erupting colon, when I reintroduced solid food and homemade cake-pops I bounced back up to 3 pounds over goal weight. Sigh.

So, this is my update.

And lest you walk away from the blog post forgetting the reigning, inspirational theme, I will remind you of it, once again: poopy exploding colons.

You're welcome.


15 Response to "From My Colon to Yours"

Linda Says:

Oh Barbie, sorry about your colon. Seriously, I hope you are feeling better. I love your ticker is 4 pounds from goal- so awesome.

Stephanie Says:

I am so glad to hear that you are alive and well and doing better, but sorry to hear about your colon. That totally blows. Congrats on being so close to goaal. I made it there but with all the swelling from my plastic surgery, I am back up a few lbs...Ill get back there eventually. I am just so very proud of you!!!

Alison Says:

Sounds painful, hope that this flare up calms down soon. Love your NSV's, I too want to be Barbie!

Gilly Says:

You know what they say: a day without a poopy, exploding colon story is a day without sunshine!

Glad you're feeling better! What a pain in the ass...literally! And here's me yelling at you for not posting. I'm a jerk!

xo

Darlin1 Says:

Take good care of yourself!

You might not have another episode for years.....20....30...it's been at least 10 for me...so far!

Kerri Says:

Barbie!!! LOVE IT!!!

Jacquie Says:

Where's Ken? Seriously, I was just thinking about you and I'm sorry you've been going through this! Totally sucks! I agree with Darlin though, as long as you are aware of this and eat right, you shouldn't have any problems with it! I am stuck at about 10 lbs over my goal and I am having my band removed in 3 weeks due to problems but at the same time I will be having revision surgery to the VSG. I've been without any fluid for about 2 weeks now and I know I will gain if I take the band out and don't do anything. Wish me luck and feel better!

Cindylew Says:

So glad to hear from you and relieved that your on the mend.

Amy Says:

I'm so sorry, but you made me LOL several times. I've missed you! Glad you are on the mend, Barbie, and I demand at least three posts weekly. Got it? Good!

Liz Says:

Goal = AMAZING!!!

Exploding colons = erm, not so much...

Glad they figured out what the problem was, and that it's on its way to being controlled.

Dawnya Says:

I'm happy that you are doing well. I have been wondering where you disappeared to. You tell a story better than anyone I know. You crack me up.

Lee Ann Says:

Sherry, so glad to see you here again. Barbie! Love that. Sorry about your dysfunctional colon. The same thing happened to my 30 year old cousin in January---3 weeks after her first child was c-sectioned out of her, she spent a week in the hospital and was eventually diagnosed with diverticulitis. Sounds awful. Glad to see your personality and sense of humor didn't explode out along with everything else.

Kristin Says:

Ugh, diverticulitis sucks. Goal ROCKS. Fitting into your rehearsal dinner dress = Priceless.

Feel better!

Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie Says:

Wow! You made such a shitty situation sound hilarious. :)

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