Posted by Sherry , Tuesday, March 30, 2010 Tuesday, March 30, 2010
I took a bite and chewed chewed chewed. Swallowed. Felt a little guilty but not enough to make me wanna stop (if you're having flashbacks of your high school prom here, know you aren't alone...).
I fed the other half to the dog.
The thing is, the guilt was short-lived. In fact, the whole incident kinda just fell off my radar. No stuck. No PB. No issues whatsoever. Which, in retrospect, is really just too bad.
Because today I found myself popping into the grocery store for some milk, some lettuce and some strawberries and popping OUT of the store with milk, lettuce, strawberries, and a vanilla cream filled chocolate egg.
Uh-huh. You read it right. A CREAM FILLED EGG.
Now, friends, I recognize that we all have diet slip ups. One little cream filled egg (or miniature candy bar stolen from our co-worker's desk drawer ;-) ) isn't going to throw us off course indefinitely. But I am only 11 days post-op! What the HELL IS WRONG WITH ME???
Now, here is how the whole egg thing went down --- I raced to my car put up the windows. Looked around to make sure I wasn't spotted by the Lap Band Police. I opened the package. I pulled out the egg. I smelled it. I mean I put it up to my nostrils and inhaled that sickeningly sweet Easter-laden goodness like it was my last breath. Then I pulled off the chocolate top because, well, I was really just after the cream.I licked a bit of the cream. I savored. I swallowed. I cried.
I did. I cried.
I didn't sob but I cried.
Just because I have plastic parts encasing one of my vital organs does not mean that I'm not still Sherry with the same food issues I had 3 weeks ago. Or 10 years ago. The Lap Band does not go around my head. It goes around my stomach. And that is f-ing terrifying.
I'm just now starting to really think about all this and my conclusions about how to flush out all my issues and bring them to the surface are not concise. Its not that I didn't 'think' about all of this before making my band decision, its just that I tend to think about things really analytically, get all the statistics and rules and theories and then think I know it all. And then, inevitably realize that I've got a hell of a lot to learn. *PLEASE don't tell my stepfather that I have finally admitted I don't KNOW IT ALL. *
Thanks for listening. I'll be leaning on you all a lot, I'm sure. I hope you can support this weight...
Oh, and that cream filled egg? Its in the trash. Minus that little lick.
I guess that's one small step for woman but one giant leap for bandkind.