A Giant Leap
Posted by Sherry , Tuesday, March 30, 2010 Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Forgive me bandsters for I have sinned. Yesterday I ate half a Keebler Buttery cracker. It called to me. It was SCREAMING from the pantry. I swear it was calling me every nasty, horrible name in the book, forcing me to eat it just to SHUT IT THE HELL UP.
So, with extreme reluctance (ha!) I finally found myself succumbing to the power of those little bakery elves and three small bites later, I had eaten ½ of a cracker.
I took a bite and chewed chewed chewed. Swallowed. Felt a little guilty but not enough to make me wanna stop (if you're having flashbacks of your high school prom here, know you aren't alone...).
Took a second bite, chew chew chew, swallow. That pesky guilt feeling ramped up a parcel. Third bite. Chew chew chew, swallow.
Suddenly I'm having visions of me squirming in a confessional booth, unable to mask the obvious crunch that little cracker crumbs make beneath my sneakers and begging Father Healey to just let me know how many Hail Marys its gonna take to shrink my ass back to size.
I fed the other half to the dog.
I fed the other half to the dog.
The thing is, the guilt was short-lived. In fact, the whole incident kinda just fell off my radar. No stuck. No PB. No issues whatsoever. Which, in retrospect, is really just too bad.
Because today I found myself popping into the grocery store for some milk, some lettuce and some strawberries and popping OUT of the store with milk, lettuce, strawberries, and a vanilla cream filled chocolate egg.
Uh-huh. You read it right. A CREAM FILLED EGG.
Now, friends, I recognize that we all have diet slip ups. One little cream filled egg (or miniature candy bar stolen from our co-worker's desk drawer ;-) ) isn't going to throw us off course indefinitely. But I am only 11 days post-op! What the HELL IS WRONG WITH ME???
Now, here is how the whole egg thing went down --- I raced to my car put up the windows. Looked around to make sure I wasn't spotted by the Lap Band Police. I opened the package. I pulled out the egg. I smelled it. I mean I put it up to my nostrils and inhaled that sickeningly sweet Easter-laden goodness like it was my last breath. Then I pulled off the chocolate top because, well, I was really just after the cream.I licked a bit of the cream. I savored. I swallowed. I cried.
I did. I cried.
I didn't sob but I cried.
Because I realized that the only thing holding me back from inhaling that egg and a carton of its strawberry cream filled friends was my own willpower. And I realized just how crucial that willpower is to my success. And I'm scared.
Just because I have plastic parts encasing one of my vital organs does not mean that I'm not still Sherry with the same food issues I had 3 weeks ago. Or 10 years ago. The Lap Band does not go around my head. It goes around my stomach. And that is f-ing terrifying.
I'm just now starting to really think about all this and my conclusions about how to flush out all my issues and bring them to the surface are not concise. Its not that I didn't 'think' about all of this before making my band decision, its just that I tend to think about things really analytically, get all the statistics and rules and theories and then think I know it all. And then, inevitably realize that I've got a hell of a lot to learn. *PLEASE don't tell my stepfather that I have finally admitted I don't KNOW IT ALL. *
Just because I have plastic parts encasing one of my vital organs does not mean that I'm not still Sherry with the same food issues I had 3 weeks ago. Or 10 years ago. The Lap Band does not go around my head. It goes around my stomach. And that is f-ing terrifying.
I'm just now starting to really think about all this and my conclusions about how to flush out all my issues and bring them to the surface are not concise. Its not that I didn't 'think' about all of this before making my band decision, its just that I tend to think about things really analytically, get all the statistics and rules and theories and then think I know it all. And then, inevitably realize that I've got a hell of a lot to learn. *PLEASE don't tell my stepfather that I have finally admitted I don't KNOW IT ALL. *
Thanks for listening. I'll be leaning on you all a lot, I'm sure. I hope you can support this weight...
Oh, and that cream filled egg? Its in the trash. Minus that little lick.
I guess that's one small step for woman but one giant leap for bandkind.
A band around the head? Now there's an idea - I gotta get me one of those!!!
My worse fear is that I lose weight with the band only to gain it back. I too LOVE sweets!!
But look how far you've come - you threw it away!!! You go girl :-) You're right - that's a HUGE step!!