A Giant Leap

Posted by Sherry , Tuesday, March 30, 2010 Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Forgive me bandsters for I have sinned. Yesterday I ate half a Keebler Buttery cracker. It called to me. It was SCREAMING from the pantry. I swear it was calling me every nasty, horrible name in the book, forcing me to eat it just to SHUT IT THE HELL UP.
So, with extreme reluctance (ha!) I finally found myself succumbing to the power of those little bakery elves and three small bites later, I had eaten ½ of a cracker.

I took a bite and chewed chewed chewed. Swallowed. Felt a little guilty but not enough to make me wanna stop (if you're having flashbacks of your high school prom here, know you aren't alone...).
Took a second bite, chew chew chew, swallow. That pesky guilt feeling ramped up a parcel. Third bite. Chew chew chew, swallow.
Suddenly I'm having visions of me squirming in a confessional booth, unable to mask the obvious crunch that little cracker crumbs make beneath my sneakers and begging Father Healey to just let me know how many Hail Marys its gonna take to shrink my ass back to size.

I fed the other half to the dog.

The thing is, the guilt was short-lived. In fact, the whole incident kinda just fell off my radar. No stuck. No PB. No issues whatsoever. Which, in retrospect, is really just too bad.

Because today I found myself popping into the grocery store for some milk, some lettuce and some strawberries and popping OUT of the store with milk, lettuce, strawberries, and a vanilla cream filled chocolate egg.

Uh-huh. You read it right. A CREAM FILLED EGG.

Now, friends, I recognize that we all have diet slip ups. One little cream filled egg (or miniature candy bar stolen from our co-worker's desk drawer ;-) ) isn't going to throw us off course indefinitely. But I am only 11 days post-op! What the HELL IS WRONG WITH ME???

Now, here is how the whole egg thing went down --- I raced to my car put up the windows. Looked around to make sure I wasn't spotted by the Lap Band Police. I opened the package. I pulled out the egg. I smelled it. I mean I put it up to my nostrils and inhaled that sickeningly sweet Easter-laden goodness like it was my last breath. Then I pulled off the chocolate top because, well, I was really just after the cream.I licked a bit of the cream. I savored. I swallowed. I cried.

I did. I cried.

I didn't sob but I cried.

Because I realized that the only thing holding me back from inhaling that egg and a carton of its strawberry cream filled friends was my own willpower. And I realized just how crucial that willpower is to my success. And I'm scared.

Just because I have plastic parts encasing one of my vital organs does not mean that I'm not still Sherry with the same food issues I had 3 weeks ago. Or 10 years ago. The Lap Band does not go around my head. It goes around my stomach. And that is f-ing terrifying.

I'm just now starting to really think about all this and my conclusions about how to flush out all my issues and bring them to the surface are not concise. Its not that I didn't 'think' about all of this before making my band decision, its just that I tend to think about things really analytically, get all the statistics and rules and theories and then think I know it all. And then, inevitably realize that I've got a hell of a lot to learn. *PLEASE don't tell my stepfather that I have finally admitted I don't KNOW IT ALL. *

Thanks for listening. I'll be leaning on you all a lot, I'm sure. I hope you can support this weight...
Oh, and that cream filled egg? Its in the trash. Minus that little lick.

I guess that's one small step for woman but one giant leap for bandkind.

19 Response to "A Giant Leap"

workinprogress Says:

A band around the head? Now there's an idea - I gotta get me one of those!!!

My worse fear is that I lose weight with the band only to gain it back. I too LOVE sweets!!

But look how far you've come - you threw it away!!! You go girl :-) You're right - that's a HUGE step!!

Sandy Says:

Well you lasted longer than me when the voices started. Too funny-my post was almost identical (http://rollercoasterdieting.blogspot.com/2010/02/voices-from-closet.html) but involved Goldfish. I guess it must have something to do with the anaesthetic! LOL.

You're doing great so chin up. Glad the egg is in the trash. 30 minutes ago I dumped a half bag of Skor chips out because I would have eaten them tonight just like the last two nights. So we are getting there. Slow but sure. But you can always lean.

Camille Says:

Hey, you just got your band. You are healing. Your restriction is weird or nonexistent. You are having cravings and you are hungry and you haven't eaten food you can chew in a really long time. You are not in the banded phase. It's recovery. I don't know who I'm talking to more here, you or me!

Joey Says:

Don't be so hard on yourself! For me it was mini butterfingers in the candy dish at my office, and I did a lot more than lick them. You're doing great!

Amanda Kiska Says:

It is okay to eat a piece of candy every now and again. Next time plan for it and incorporate it into your day. Then you'll have something to look forward to and YOU MIGHT EVEN LET YOURSELF ENJOY IT! Imagine eating without guilt! Between the pre and post-op diets, you are deprived. It is no wonder that you are having a slip!

♥ Drazil ♥ Says:

Um remember me and the bath full of pastel M&Ms. Blame it on Easter and all that pastel-ness. It's impossible to resist - you kicked its butt! Way to go!

Bonnie Says:

Isn't the cream in a cream-filled egg on our mushie list? :-) Cut yourself some slack. You just got banded so you can't expect everything to change right away. Especially since the band really doesn't help us unless we have a fill which gives restriction.


I've succumbed to those little cream-filled eggs too, oh, and the caramel ones.. they are sooooo nice. You did the right thing. Had a little, and then get over it. In the big scheme of things it won't make much difference. It's when you do it all the time (and there's the really hard part. Knowing when to stop... sigh.. good thing they are so rich its not TOO hard!)

Angie Cummings Says:

Honey, you're do amazing. 11 days of post-op to have a bit of a slip is so totally normal. It is really scary in the beginning, before you start feeling restriction and the hold food has on you starts to lessen. Remember, post-op is a time for healing, not weight-loss... so cut yourself some slack! xox

Debi Says:

Well, the creme filled ones doesn't entice me, but...put a caramel filled one there, and it is MINE!!

You did fantastic, you threw it in the trash!! I would have eaten it for sure and I am 4.5 months out and in Bandster Hell!!!

Kristin Says:

About the same time post-op I went to Dunkin Donuts, bought a creme-filled donut, stuck my finger in the hole and ate the cream. Threw the donut away, but ate every bit of the cream.

Hang in there. It gets easier and better, but in spurts. It's not a smooth progression - a couple steps forward, one back, etc.

Unknown Says:

they just shouldn't put them so close to the checkout! they call my name...so far I have resisted, but I know there is a peanut butter egg in my future! That is actually why I went for the band and not the bypass.... I want to be able to experience food and work through the issues. I want to have a treat once in awhile! Just think...you pitched the egg! how many times would that have happened before now? I know I would have eaten a ton of pb eggs by now...but I am waiting until I really really want one, just one. hang in there, it is a journey :)

Leslie Says:

The biggest thing I have learned is DON'T beat yourself up. Just admitting that the lap band isn't going to fix your mental issues is a H U G E step.

You can do this! :-)

CC Says:

obviously we have all been there...so you licked it? so what? :-) you threw it away, that is awesome! step by step...and those steps? baby steps! moving on :-)

Band-Babe Says:

I've always said the band is a physical solution for my emotional problem. But, I'm finding that the physical reminder is very helpful in learning to understand the emotional part. The band is really just one tool in my weight loss belt. And, some treats I have learned to savor and enjoy, and others are just plain dangerous. Luckily, we also have each other to also help keep us (me) sane (ish)!

Lynda Says:

"I tend to think about things really analytically, get all the statistics and rules and theories and then think I know it all. And then, inevitably realize that I've got a hell of a lot to learn."

Me, too! I make decisions using logic and forget that I still have to deal with the emotional aspects as well.

Girl Bandit Says:

Wow...I so get that. When I started getting in the wine again I realised that I had to change as well.....did well for 3 months and am back in a bit of a heap atm. The band does take my mind off food and I am sure yours will too when it gets working better. Big hugs for the cry .....thinking of you

Gen Says:

It is hard to believe right now, but these cravings and interest/obsession with food will disappear when your band is filled just right. Then, it will NOT be about willpower. That is the amazing thing. With the band you do not have to rely on willpower! The band seriously reduces your desire to eat this stuff!

But, early on it is HARD. Please read my confessional post about a Halloween candy mishap. http://ihearttheband.blogspot.com/2009_10_01_archive.html

One thing I did find was making foods totally off limits sets us up for a fall. If you really want something, have a little bit. Realize that you will always have a chance to eat something later - you do not have to gobble something down now because you think it might be gone tomorrow. This is hard, hard, mental work. But once the band does its job, it is WAY easier!!!!

Don't feel bad, you are completely normal. Feel better.

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