Have Mercy

Posted by Sherry , Thursday, February 18, 2010 Thursday, February 18, 2010

I've got a date! March 19th. On March 19th I will be officially “Banded.”

I'm excited. I'm scared. I feel a little nauseous when I think about it. I feel a little lightheaded.

I know, I KNOW I am making the right decision. I need help. I have been on diets since I was 10 years old. I have no real memories of living my day not thinking about how fat I am. How much I need to lose weight. I'm tired of these thoughts taking up space in my brain. I want to think about other things.

Who knows? Maybe if I wasn't so ultra-consumed with my weight and my pant size I would be coming up with new ways to split the atom. Or solving the middle-east crisis. Or creating new reusable energy. Or at a minimum, FINALLY sitting down and starting that scrap book about Arundel High Senior Week!

Think about all the scrap books I could have created? All the cute little puns written in Comic Sans font? The little flip flop doo dads and polka-dotted ribbon edging? I mean, what a waste.

Seriously though, HOW MUCH of my life has been devoted to berating myself? I'm tired of it. I'm tired looking in the mirror and not liking what I see.

A lot of people decide on weight loss surgery (WLS) because it is a matter of life and death. They have bad knees, diabetes, sleep apnea, trouble walking, etc. I don't really have any of those things (other than slight sleep apnea that I recently discovered after doing a sleep study to get insurance approval for my band). I exercise, I eat fairly well, I don't have bad knees, I can fit in an airplane/movie/restaurant seat.

I'm just sick of being fat. I'm sick of looking longingly at clothes I can't wear, sick of feeling envious of thin friends, sick of feeling guilt every time I put a morsel of anything in my mouth. I want something different.

I was asked during my psychological assessment to explain, in detail, “why” I wanted The Band. I answered honestly: I have a great life. An amazing husband, a beautiful child, a house we built that is almost paid off, a supportive family, close friends. I left a great job where I was uber successful so I could be a stay at home mom. It was my choice and its a luxury we can afford. In essence, my life is ideal --- except for my weight.

I know that life won't be PERFECT just because I lose 80 unwanted pounds. My child will still throw tantrums, my dog will still crap on the floor, I'll still have trouble finding time to wash my hair and my husband and I will still argue about whether the moon landing was real (I'll let you guess which one of us thinks it was a giant conspiracy).

But here is what I won't have to do – get up in the morning, see my self in the mirror and berate myself for what I see. I won't have to scour my closet looking for the outfit that makes me look 'thinnest'. I won't have to feel guilt every time I eat something that isn't broccoli. I won't have to feel that nasty shameful emotion of jealousy when I look at my thin friends who wear designer jeans. I won't have to worry that I'm setting a bad example for my daughter.

These are, obviously, not things the insurance company or the surgeon takes into consideration when deciding to approve or deny me. But they should.

Catherine, a Band Blogger I have been following and admire greatly, recently posted something about 'fairness' and how having The Band seems, to some people, like an unfair advantage. Obviously, like Catherine, I don't think getting The Band or any WLS is 'unfair' or 'cheating' in any way.

I think its throwing someone a life raft. I think its giving someone another chance. I think its giving someone a lighter instead of two sticks to rub together. I think its mercy.

17 Response to "Have Mercy"

Catherine55 Says:

Hey there -- just saw that you were following my blog and followed the link to yours. This is such a great post, and it sums up so many good reasons for your decision.

I have to tell you that you're on to something big here. Ever since I was banded, I have been able to wake up every single day and feel good about my weight and the positive changes I've been making in that regard. It's a new experience for me, and I really love it. I am excited about living the rest of my life feeling good about my body (relative to my age of course)! It's one of so many things for you go look forward to in the year to come!

Congratulations on your surgery date. I'm excited to hear about all of your progress in the year to come! And, if you haven't yet. . TAKE before photos! And your measurements!! You are going to want them later. :)


Banding Life Says:

Love your first post! Fantastic! Im going to follow you I look forward to reading about your progress! Best of luck!

Girl Bandit Says:

i can so relate to your post..I too have a good life and for many years was very slim but I couldn't see it. I needed to be overweight to realise that people liked me for me and not for waht I weighed. However my woeght ballooned after my second child and I consider getting the band as getting the 'food monkey' off my back. so far so good. I will follow your progress and posts with much ado. good luck

Dinnerland Says:

I could have written this post myself. You sound so ready and you'll do great. The Band is an amazing tool-- and I agree, why rub 2 sticks together when you have use a lighter?

Love your blog name and your sassy attitude!!

Sandy Says:

So happy you have a date! Just over a month away and you will be so happy about it. I'm only 1.5 weeks since my band was installed and so far so good. It'll happen. The excitement just builds over the next few weeks but you'll get there.

Anonymous Says:

Welcome to the bandland community! It's like you took that post right out of my head 4 months ago. I was in the exact same situation. I was really really tired of not liking what I saw in the mirror. It is a great feeling to know that you can make that change and make it permanant.

I am so excited that you have your surgery date! We will all be here to support you and answer questions. I agree with Catherine, take your before pics. You don't have to share them but you will want them!!

I totally agree with the band being a better tool, it's not cheating it's knowing your body, your life and being smart about it.

Check me out at http://lifeasiknowitsc.blogspot.com/ I am in SC. You are my closest bandster (to be) right now!!

Camille Says:

Hi! I really enjoyed your post. I hope to be banded the week after you, so I am mos def following your blog!! I wish you the best of luck. You sure sound ready!! Check out my blog http://livinglargeincc.blogspot.com

LDswims Says:

What an awesome first blog! More importantly, congratulations on getting a date. You are going to do well! I can't wait to read more...

Lap Band Groupie Says:

Excellent blog and congrats on getting your date...so exciting!!! Love the analogy. -BG

I'm here:

Unknown Says:

Love the blog and i'm a follower now too! OK, I'll bite, who is the dis-believer?? Moon landing?? :)
Good luck, can't wait to hear more from you. Arundel High?? Baltimore girl, in NC? WOW! Unless it's the wrong Arundel! Keep blogging.

Janelle Says:

You really hit the nail on the head. People who don't struggle with their weight will never understand. I have given up trying to explain it to them. Life shouldn't be about trying to find your thinnest outfit (an everyday occurrence here). It should be about the BIG things in life. I want to throw something on and not even have the need to look in the mirror, because I KNOW I look fine. Then I can move on to the REAL things in life, not dwell on how awful I look.

I am so excited for both of us. We are both newbies! I am getting banded a little earlier than you, and I am just a couple days away! So next monday I will be banded, but you are not far behind!! I can't wait to see how we are both doing 6 months from now! Can you even imagine???

Nicole Says:

nice to see another NC face around here. if you'd like to talk more feel free to e-mail me at nicole_wood@ncsu.edu.

Nicole Says:

Welcome! Looking forward to following your journey!


Sarah Says:

One year ago today I was banded. It was the BEST decision I ever made... I'm so like you - we're financially blessed, don't have ANYTHING to worry about, have a great family, etc... and I was miserable with myself. I'll be honest - it is a journey, but a great one - welcome to the community - can't wait to follow your trip! Holler if you need ANY suggestions... seriously! Congrats and welcome!

DB Says:

Great post - I couldn't have said it better myself. Welcome to this wonderfully supportive community. I was banded on Jan. 27th - My hubby was banded the same day as me & neither of us would change it for the world.

Jacquie Says:

Good for you about getting your date! I am getting banded on 3/24 and look forward to following your Blog!

My weight loss journey Says:

What a great post! I feel the same exact way that you do and I too have struggled for years and years with my weight. Good luck with your upcoming surgery. I'm in insurance required 6 month diet program and can not wait until July to come. I will be following your blog and can't wait to be "apart" of your journey.

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