Posted by Sherry , Thursday, February 18, 2010 Thursday, February 18, 2010
I've got a date! March 19th. On March 19th I will be officially “Banded.”
I'm excited. I'm scared. I feel a little nauseous when I think about it. I feel a little lightheaded.
I know, I KNOW I am making the right decision. I need help. I have been on diets since I was 10 years old. I have no real memories of living my day not thinking about how fat I am. How much I need to lose weight. I'm tired of these thoughts taking up space in my brain. I want to think about other things.
Who knows? Maybe if I wasn't so ultra-consumed with my weight and my pant size I would be coming up with new ways to split the atom. Or solving the middle-east crisis. Or creating new reusable energy. Or at a minimum, FINALLY sitting down and starting that scrap book about Arundel High Senior Week!
Think about all the scrap books I could have created? All the cute little puns written in Comic Sans font? The little flip flop doo dads and polka-dotted ribbon edging? I mean, what a waste.
Seriously though, HOW MUCH of my life has been devoted to berating myself? I'm tired of it. I'm tired looking in the mirror and not liking what I see.
A lot of people decide on weight loss surgery (WLS) because it is a matter of life and death. They have bad knees, diabetes, sleep apnea, trouble walking, etc. I don't really have any of those things (other than slight sleep apnea that I recently discovered after doing a sleep study to get insurance approval for my band). I exercise, I eat fairly well, I don't have bad knees, I can fit in an airplane/movie/restaurant seat.
I'm just sick of being fat. I'm sick of looking longingly at clothes I can't wear, sick of feeling envious of thin friends, sick of feeling guilt every time I put a morsel of anything in my mouth. I want something different.
I was asked during my psychological assessment to explain, in detail, “why” I wanted The Band. I answered honestly: I have a great life. An amazing husband, a beautiful child, a house we built that is almost paid off, a supportive family, close friends. I left a great job where I was uber successful so I could be a stay at home mom. It was my choice and its a luxury we can afford. In essence, my life is ideal --- except for my weight.
I know that life won't be PERFECT just because I lose 80 unwanted pounds. My child will still throw tantrums, my dog will still crap on the floor, I'll still have trouble finding time to wash my hair and my husband and I will still argue about whether the moon landing was real (I'll let you guess which one of us thinks it was a giant conspiracy).
But here is what I won't have to do – get up in the morning, see my self in the mirror and berate myself for what I see. I won't have to scour my closet looking for the outfit that makes me look 'thinnest'. I won't have to feel guilt every time I eat something that isn't broccoli. I won't have to feel that nasty shameful emotion of jealousy when I look at my thin friends who wear designer jeans. I won't have to worry that I'm setting a bad example for my daughter.
These are, obviously, not things the insurance company or the surgeon takes into consideration when deciding to approve or deny me. But they should.
Catherine, a Band Blogger I have been following and admire greatly, recently posted something about 'fairness' and how having The Band seems, to some people, like an unfair advantage. Obviously, like Catherine, I don't think getting The Band or any WLS is 'unfair' or 'cheating' in any way.
I think its throwing someone a life raft. I think its giving someone another chance. I think its giving someone a lighter instead of two sticks to rub together. I think its mercy.