Do You Believe In Magic?

Posted by Sherry , Wednesday, February 2, 2011 Wednesday, February 02, 2011

Lately, I've not been able to 'see it'. My weight loss, that is.

Everywhere I go, people comment on how thin I'm looking, how “tiny” I am.

I assume all of these humans have glaucoma or one of those mental disorders where you only see things the way you want to see them – kind of the way my mother-in-law views my husband, her son, who has never done anything wrong or imperfect. Ever.

Anyway, the only thing “tiny” about me is my left pinky toenail. The right pinky toenail is strangely over sized.

And while I do get excited to put on my size 12 jeans most mornings – pause for emphasis ----------- SIZE 12 jeans! – when I look at photos, I still see a fat girl.

This is definitely not unique to me or any other woman who loses a significant amount of weight – or Portia de Rossi who wrote a great book about being fat. Because she once was fat. Her thighs JIGGLED, people! And don't even try to tell me that it isn't traumatic to be a beautiful Australian model/actress who drowns her sorrows by eating an ENTIRE Snickers bar – THE WHOLE THING – and then can't fit into a size 6 dress during a fitting for a Revlon commerical. Because it is totally devastating. And because you can't possibly know what it is like to go up TWO WHOLE SIZES in one year and then be told you're fat by important people. And you can't know the shame of not being able to fit into cute designer clothes or eat in secret or not be able to control yourself around food.

Oh. Wait a minute....

As usual, I digress. So I don't see a thin girl in the mirror. Hell, I BARELY see a thinner girl.

What I DO see is basically the same crap I've always seen: a fat, floppy stomach, stretch marks and chicken legs.

When does the self-degradation finally end? Because here I am, a measly 15 pounds from a weight I thought would finally turn my mirror into a magic one where I looked like a less annoying, smaller-arsed version of a blonde Kardashian (What? You don't see that either? I swear I can be JUST as annoying and my sex tapes are AWESOME). Instead I just see a big belly with too many creases and a few gray hairs in my eyebrows -- weird, I know.

Is your mirror a magic one yet? If it is, or if you believe one exists for you, please let me know in which aisle of Bed Bath and Beyond I can find one.

Because unlike Portia I don't have a stable full of horses or a hot,rich & famous, 50 year old girlfriend to help me realize that I can be vegan with a personal chef and personal trainer and FINALLY be happy with the way I look.

15 Response to "Do You Believe In Magic?"

Alexis Says:

Amen. I still totally have fat girl vision when I look in the mirror. I don't see the tiny waist. I see the loose skin and floppiness :( And people using the word "tiny" to describe me usually causes me to laugh because "tiny" is a word you use to describe Nicole Richie who is smaller than my right thigh.

Gilly Says:

I DO believe in magic...every time I read your blog!

I have always been reverse-body dysmorphic disorder...until I lost about 80 or so lbs. Then I started seeing the flaws. And the more I lose the more I see. And then I feel guilty, because I should be THRILLED with how much smaller I am, when instead, I'm getting down about my floppy stomach and how much my butt jiggles and...well...I'll leave it at that, lest anyone who reads this is eating. But yes...I hear you.

By the way...when I first laid eyes on you in Marshalls, having never seen you before in my life, you just looked like a thin, beautiful girl to me. That was my honest first impression. Swearsies.

Theresa Says:

I so get this! My husband and my friends keep telling me that I'm so much smaller, but I see the same person as always. It wasn't until I tried on an outfit this week that I planned to wear to a Mardi Gras Ball and the skirt fell off, that I realized that I really am getting smaller! You look amazing and your brain will catch up to the body eventually!

Jacquie Says:

This exact topic was "the topic of the day" during my daughters bridal shower. I too am about 15 lbs from my goal and I dont see the 50+ lbs I've already lost. If you find out where to find the mirror, please share!

Amanda Kiska Says:

Sherry, I hope you can learn to love and appreciate the woman you see in the mirror. She's pretty fantastic! No one loves their flaws, but we should also see the positive!

Anonymous Says:

Not only are you thin, and beautiful, but you are a damn good writer. I love reading your blog because of that. You always write about what I may be thinking, but can't put into words. I look at myself in the mirror and do not recognize who it is! I have about 25 more pounds to go and I still can't believe it!

Ali Says:

I can sooo relate this post! I still usually see the same girl I was 75 pounds ago too. People tell me differently, but usually I don't see it.

CeeJay Says:

I soooo want you to be more kind to yourself! (mostly because I have the same fears!) I hope we can learn to love our new, imperfect bodies and know that we are a better version of ourselves both inside and out. Please don't be so hard on yourself!

Lee Ann Says:

You're really funny Sherry but I have to say, this makes me a little sad. I've been 228 pounds (250 during pregnancy) and I've been as low as 142 as an adult. At my lowest weight I still saw flaws. I couldn't see the positive, still picking apart the image I saw b/c it wasn't an airbrushed image of a supermodel. Now that I've seen 228, I hope when I see the 140's again it will magically feel "right" next time. That was my hope anyway. I guess BDD is a powerful thing. I don't have any answers. Maybe if you go back and look at side-by-side comparisons and see before/after differences it will help. I honestly think this quest for airbrushed perfection and this self-flagellation is counterproductive. I suffer from the same thing unfortunately. When I saw those photos of you in your last post with your daughter, I have to agree---you *are* tiny. You look fabulous. Really! Put down the cat of 9 tails. Is that what it's called?

MandaPanda Says:

OK...I just read through your ENTIRE blog...yes, the whole thing...and I am so bummed that I did not find it earlier. You absolutely crack me up!! Your writing is so witty and creates quite the picture in my head. enough stroking your ego...wait...maybe not.
You look fantastic! And eventually, the more you look in the mirror, the more you'll see it. As far as Portia goes...she can bite me.

Catherine55 Says:

Sherry, you are absolutely beautiful (and SO much better than a Kardashian), and I agree with Miss Vickie -- your brain will catch up with your body eventually. Take some time out and put together some before/now comparison photos. Nothing quite drives home how huge your progress has been than seeing photographic evidence.

Also, I'm with Manda -- Portia can bite me, too!

Steph Says:

Sherry, I am just now catching up on blogs and when i read this, it totally hit home for me. I am going through the same thing you are and I wonder if I will ever be happy with myself. Just know I was thinking of you today. I bought a dress at Kohls and when I saw it, I said to myself "This is a Sherry dress" because it reminded me of something you wore in Chicago and I was SO envious of how pretty and skinny you looked. So whenever I wear it, you will be my inspiration to work thehell out of it!!! :)

Joey Says:

You know why I always get behind on your blog? Because I refuse to skim it. When I'm going to read a Sherry post I want to sit down with tea and fully absorb it.

First, you are hotter than the Kardashians. Second, I'm afraid we will always pick apart our appearances. It sorta stinks.

Lee Ann Says:

hey what happened to your friend kate? i can't see her blog anymore. i miss reading her updates on her dating life and her weight loss. plus, she's a speech therapist, i'm an OT, and we have kids the same age. we had a lot in common so i'm sad i can't read her. :(

Theresa Says:

Sherry....Hello? Anyone home? Haven't had a post in a really long time....not nice to make me wait, I'm just saying.....

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