A Tale of Two Rubies

Posted by Sherry , Monday, March 7, 2011 Monday, March 07, 2011

There are two Rubys in my life that are causing me giant heartburn. Heartburn so intense and so firey that sometimes the only thing that can squelch it is one (or seven) vanilla buttercream filled chocolate easter egg.

As a child, the only time I could find such sinful goodness was around Easter. There were about two blissful weeks of being able to walk into any Walgreens, any CVS, any grocery store, any gas station! in the country and pick up a Cadbury cream egg (or seven).

Luckily, the great marketing minds at Russel Stover and the like have figured out that most Americans are willing to eat Easter candy ALL YEAR LONG if you'll let us. Our willingness to stuff our faces with cream filled, pastel colored chocolate and fluffy corn syrup got someone over there at the candy factory a GIANT RAISE. He or she figured out that you can shape that chocolate shit into ANYTHING: a heart at Valentine's day, a Santa at Christmas, a pumpkin at Halloween, a flag on the freakin' fourth of July. If there was an adult diaper-shaped chocolate cream candy for Grandparents day, I'd eat it (or seven).

Its chocolate, its creamy in the middle and its under .99 cents. Put it in the bag next to my diet coke please.

Even though the only spirituality I can muster up during this season is a silent prayer for afternoons warm enough to shove my kid outside of the house, I thank Jesus every day for Lindt, Cadbury and even the ever-waxy Hershey's for shoving little bits of goodness into bunny shaped packages.

So Ruby number one is only two years old but has already learned that the easiest way to send your mother on an express train to crazy town is to do/say/want the EXACT OPPOSITE of what your mommy wants/says/suggests. For example, “Ruby, let's go upstairs and play.” “No mommy! Downstairs to play!” “Ok, Ruby, let's play downstairs then.” “No mommy! UPSTAIRS!” – all accompanied by dramatic wailing and gnashing of two-year-old molars.

I tried to suggest we scream, yell, disobey and otherwise act insane in the hopes she would instead choose to sit quietly and obey, but psychological warfare does nothing to the minds of determined 2 year olds. You may as well be trying to make Palestine and Israel shake hands and be friends: they just ain't gonna come 'round.

This particular Ruby-incited heartburn is dulled a teeny bit by frequent sips of vodka martinis and long, hot, locked-door baths. Sometimes she protests this concoction but I insist that what's good for the mommy goose is even better for the baby goose.

The other Ruby causing me gastro-distress is the one that you have probably seen lurking about on various talk-shows. She has red hair, lots of gay male friends, a sickeningly sweet southern accent and is a seemingly perfect candidate for weight loss surgery.

I keep running into this Ruby while watching mindless television to help me dull the ache that the other Ruby is causing me. But this woman who makes me want to cry in sympathy and roll my eyes at the same time is causing me heartburn that no Maalox can cure.


So far, every time I've seen her, she mentions that she's put on some of the weight she lost from last season. Namely, 60 pounds. Namely, 15% of the 400 pounds she's lost. Now, if she didn't care about this weight gain, well, frankly, I wouldn't care either. I sincerely believe that if someone is happy being obese, that is their call. I don't believe that 'deep down' they aren't happy or 'deep down' they want to be skinny. On the subject of weight and weight management, I take people at their word because, honestly, I wouldn't want someone second guessing my comfort level with my own body.

But she comes right out and says she's “ashamed”. She says she wants to “get back on track”. And she says she is a “food addict”. She actually has a link on her Web site to the 12 steps food addicts should take. She sees a counselor, a nutritionist. She has trainers and cooks and supportive friends and has done ALL the things that I (and most of you) have done to 'fix' what's broken in our relationships with food. And she's still losing the battle.

So why not call in the reinforcements, already? Why not GET SURGERY? She's already doing the work that you have to do when you have the Lap Band but she's just needs some additional HELP. Help that no trainers, counselors, foodies or network sponsors are able to give. The badge of courage that she (and seemingly the rest of the former fatties in the press) gets from NOT having weight loss surgery is invisible. The badge of courage is invisible because it is covered in the blood, sweat and tears of working SO hard for something that you just can't do by yourself.

She's just sitting there being beautiful and funny and full of life and personal insight and most of all, being dumb.

She's rubbing those two sticks together SO FREAKIN' HARD and the fire keeps dying out. So why hasn't anyone handed her a lighter already? She's earned it. She deserves it.

I willingly admit that I have not seen the season premiere that aired yesterday but I promise that I'm going to download it and watch it this week, if for no other reason than it will give me an air-tight defense as to why I caved and ate Cadbury egg number eight.

A photo of Ruby #1. Post-vodka martini.

16 Response to "A Tale of Two Rubies"

Amanda Says:

Ruby #1 is beautiful. I don't have a little Ruby but I have been known to partake in a vodka martini (a little on the filty side, please) and a bath from time to time!

So is Ruby #2 and I agree with you totally about her. I said it last night to my husband while I watched the season premiere. The lady has a lot to work on mentally and if she could get over the weight hurdle and work on those "demons" she might actually feel beautiful too!

Ms. M Says:

Okay, now you've made me want to run to the store for a darn Cadbury egg! And omg, the other day I was there and saw Lindt chocolates in the egg shape. What are they trying to do to me???? I need to avoid the stores until all Easter candy has gone away... far, far away.

I've thought that same thing about Ruby #2 many times...

Marie Says:

Very well said! Cute pic of little Ruby!

Amy W. Says:

You see. I don't know. I just don't know. There are several people that work with me, not close by, but I see them from time to time. And they are very large. Easily 400 pounds. They are in their mid 40's. You can see when they walk that they hurt, they can barely breathe...and I want to say WHY NOT? Why not have surgery. Why not try it? Where we work, it is covered 100%. Why not? I just dont know.

Your daughter on the other hand...precious. But let's see...she is stubborn, cute, sassy, likes to drink...huh...kinda reminds me of HER MOMMY!

Anonymous Says:

I guess some people just have am aversion to WLS. Maybe she feels like she will be cheating, or something stupid like that. I hope she can figure it all out. Your little Ruby however, looks like she has her mommy all figured out! She is simply precious!

Camille Says:

Holy Crap! You've been on Ruby #2's website! That's hardcore. Your oppositional defiant daughter and my "why" everything daughter need to get together and go bowling. Preferably with us having a lovely mommy day somewhere else.

Catherine55 Says:

I have the same question w/re Ruby #2. I just don't get it -- why in the world wouldn't she have a bypass or get banded?? I've only seen her show once, but I really liked her personality on there, and she seemed like she'd be a great candidate.

And, Ruby #1 is seriously adorable! Hang in there! :)

workinprogress Says:

Ohhhhhhh..... I have a Ruby too - but his name is Lachie and he's even worse as a four year old (sorry!).

Everything you said in this post resonates with me!

Steph Says:

Your little Ruby is adorable and I agree with you 100% about the other Ruby, but I guess they have their reasons for not taking the step. I've never had a Creme Egg (they look funky to me for some reason) but I feel the same way about Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. They are crack to me...Now they have the Reeses Eggs coming out. I need to boycott all drug stores for the next few months.

Jen from Oregon Says:

I really enjoy Ruby's show. I can identify as I have no childhood memories like her. But I also believe she would not be successful (Yet) with WLS because the mental work is not complete.
I'm so glad I read this after returning home from the store or one (or seven) eggs would have made it home with me :)

Anonymous Says:

I don't believe that the precious little angel that is in that picture is a terrible two toddler; I am thinking you are making it up for blog fodder (ha!) I now have to go look at Ruby because brain dead person that I am I have never heard of her or her story. So I am on my way to check that out. Hope we can hook up Sat. I am at Duke in the am but can hang around in the afternoon before heading back Sat evening, let me know!

Cindylew Says:

Holy schnike...I thought I was the only person on this earth who even knew about that show. I watched it last night and am so concerned about this gal...so much work to be done on her head.
Your gem is adorable.

MandaPanda Says:

Your daughter is so freakin' cute!!! I won't let that adorable little exterior fool me though. I have a 3 year old who looks just as angelic in pictures but I know horns are holdin' up the halo.

As for Ruby #2: Ugh. I am so sick of shows showing fat people trying to lose weight "the old fashioned way." Like you said, this invisible badge of honor because WLS is the "easy way out." It's dumb. She has a nutritionist, trainer, cook, etc...all those things are tools to help lose weight. How is WLS any different? Kirstie Alley's another one. Oy!

Gilly Says:

I love when I get all heated and passionate over TV! The Biggest Loser got me all in a tizzy a little while ago and I had to take a step away. I have seen this show only a couple of times. I totally see what you're saying...what is this obsession people have with losing weight "the right way" or the "natural way" or whatever stupid way they put it? I don't know. She needs WLS. She just does. Frankly, so do all the Biggest Loser people. As soon as they are done with the show, they need to RUN and get it done so they don't regain all the weight. But that's a whole 'nother rant...

Joey Says:

You see, this is why I don't watch cable. I second your frustration. I hate hate HATE that there is a stigma attached to WLS.

This is an actual conversation between my niece, Yaya, and her mom when Yaya was 2. (No, her given name isn't Yaya, that is the name she gave herself. She insists that everyone calls her that and her little brother and classmates have no idea that she has any other name...so that should give you an idea of her personality.)

Mom: It's cold, put some clothes on.
Yaya: It's not-a cold, it's hot.
M: Yes it is. And don't go in the kitchen the floor is wet.
Y: The floor not-a wet, it's dry
M: Oy! Come on, it's nap time.
Y: It's not-a nap time
M: Yaya! It's NOT-a not!
Y: (stunned)

Gen Says:

I am so glad I went back to read some old posts, this is awesome! The adult diaper chocolate - I have to figure out how to use that one in conversation some time.

And your Ruby is so gorgeous. I know you are sick of hearing it, but enjoy this time. It really does go by way too fast with the sweet little things. (The daughter, not the Cadbury eggs).

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