Return To Sender

Posted by Sherry , Monday, June 6, 2011 Monday, June 06, 2011

Dear Binky Fairy,

I've always been kind of a no-nonsense, just make a decision and go with it kind of gal but I must admit, with regard to this binky removal process, I'm having second thoughts.

See, you promised that this process was going to be a 'feel-good' charity type of action. You know, Ruby and I were going to leave you the binkies so you could give them to “babies in need” and as a reward for our thoughtfulness, when you took the binkies, you were going to leave a present behind.

I think that maybe you even used the “ripping off a band-aid” metaphor.

The thing is, this whole process has been more a “removal of my toddler's eyebrow hairs, one-by-one, while making her sit perfectly still for more than 3 minutes and then eat raw broccoli, kind-of- experience”.

As a work-out-of-the-home mother (you ARE a mom, right?) I don't know if you fully appreciate the importance of the “afternoon nap”. Don't get me wrong, I know you have other challenges as a working mother – having to rouse your sleeping kids to get them to the sitter, trying to get all the cleaning done on the weekends, having a crappy commute, etc.-- but for a SAHM, the thing that screws up your day more than ANYTHING is when your kid won't take her damn nap. I mean, WHEN ELSE am I supposed to eat my bon-bons, watch GH and snort my prescription pain pills?

With regard to binky removal, you are the expert, I know: YES her bite is starting to look a little 'off'; YES she's getting MORE attached; YES I'm tired of going in her room at 2am, and having to sort through four blankies, 3,000 stuffed animals, two pillows and under the mattress, stubbing my toe on the foot of the bed, stepping on and cracking at least one board book and then and finally flooding the room with the overhead light only to find that said binky was stuck inside her pajama shirt the whole time. I get it. It HAS to be done.

I just don't know if you've considered that maybe this isn't a 'one-size-fits-all' kind of approach. See, my child is PERSISTENT. Extreme exhaustion is no match for her. And although I'm a former debate-team winner, even my most solid arguments don't sway a completely irrational toddler. Remember when she spent 45 minutes screaming in the car because I couldn't “pick me up!” while driving at 70 MPH down the highway? Toddlers are completely unreasonable!

And honestly, this whole thing is just tugging – no, more like yanking REALLY HARD – at my mama heart strings. I feel like I've taken away my child's best friend.

Last night, when I reminded her for the 100th time that you had come and taken the binkies away and that it was ok to be sad but that she is a big girl now, my insightful little girl looked at me and said “Its really hard, mommy” and then began to cry.

And, well, then I basically just liquefied into a giant puddle of guilty tears myself.

So, back to my original comment: I'm having second thoughts. I mean, ARE YOU SURE WE ARE READY FOR THIS? When Ruby was about 6 months old I literally tossed every “parenting” book I had into the trash. I didn't even want to lend them out to my friends because I believed that every single one of them was put on this Earth to make us feel like crap parents.

But this time, I feel like maybe I might need some additional guidance.

And since I know that you are really really busy with work and the kids and that husband of yours who "doesn't want to grow up" (I think his name is Peter?), I'm just going to request that you bring back the binkies and leave them on the porch.

I'll happily return the hideous white stuffed dog that looks like Paris Hilton gave it a make-over and we can call it even.

Seriously. Send back the binkies, you mean bitch.



14 Response to "Return To Sender"

Jacquie Says:

Oh.My.Sweet.Jesus.!!! When I stop laughing I may even come back and comment! You are too freakin funny!

Dawnya Says:

The binky fairy can kiss my fat behind. I am not taking it from way no how. I need that damn binky more than him. If this requires braces in the future...oh well. I refuse to give up my peaceful nights sleep because some evil woman who is not having enough sex or eating enough protein thinks it's a good idea.

I vote that you find the heffa and get back Ruby's binky.

Grandma Bonnie Says:

I have never seen a kindergartener go to school with a binky. Shit, that is why orthodontists were invented. To hell with the Binky Fairy. I vote you go get Ruby a bunch of new binks.

MandaPanda Says:

LMAO! All I can say is it DOES get easier and the longer you put it off, the harder it will be. My second child was so ridiculously attached to her paci that it was just uberpainful when we got rid of it. But after a few sleepless nights and countless fits (by both Mom and daughter), we got through it. You can do it!

Theresa Says:

I got the best advice from my son's dentist, my child had binky mouth so bad, I voiced my concern to which he replied "you can always fix his bite, the pshyche is a lot harder to fix." So we kept the bkinky till he decided to let it go. My son was 4 when he gave it up for good, and I was convinced he'd go to college with it. But,he didn't even need it when he started school, he is the calmest best natured kid around, he got his braces off last week and trust me, it was money well spent.

Kristin Says:

Girl, I'm with everyone else. Maybe the fairy drops a bink on your little girl's pillow tonight or something. It could happen.

Lee Ann Says:

Just for the record---I've never met an adult that still needs a binky. I sincerely doubt Ruby will be the first.

Camille Says:

Give her back the damn binky and start saving for braces. I think twelve year olds with braces are adorable anyway.

Sandy Says:

When my son was 2 my MIL told me I should get rid of the binkies. At 2 1/2 years I finally got tired or her "look" so tried to get him to give them up. He used to have 3 at bedtime, one in his mouth and one in each hand. Dr. Spock told me to do that--throw lots of binkies in the bed so you didn't have to get up in the night. That book went in the garbage. So the binkies start to get pretty sticky and a few holes appear. Eventually they don't enjoy them as much. He could only have it in bed and they finally wore out. Make a deal that she can only have it at bedtime. Some people cut the end off and each night cut a little more off til there isn't much left.

Now after he gave up the binkie, my son sucked the collar of his T-shirts til he was about 8. It's better than the thumb which does tremendous harm to the teeth. I think the binkie fairy will be there soon. Dry the tears. You're a great mom. And I so agree with throwing out all those books. Demons they are.

Gilly Says: 10 year old sucked his thumb until he was 7. Not just at night. Mostly when he was zoned out in front of the TV. And people would comment to me about it, and I would reply to them that I wished that I had something that was so instantly soothing that I could do when I was feeling the stress. Then my 4 year old had a soofie (yeah, that's our word for it...mock if you must) until he was 3...only at night and at nap time. One day he just said "this is for babies" and handed it over. But I'd still let him have it at night if he really needed it. Want to know the weirdest thing? Kid who sucked his thumb for 7 years? Bite is fine. Binky kid? Weird ass bite. Don't ask me why.

Stephanie M. Says:

I'm not a mom, so of course I have all the right answers. I mean - come on. It sounds like raising a child is easy. It sounds like she has an oral fixation. Maybe she can take up smoking instead. Cigarettes are a lot more mature than a binky. Just a thought. Good luck.

Justawallflower Says:

I would very happily go through a few nights of crying baby and nappless days if it meant my child would quit sucking her thumb! She is now 7!!!!! and no matter how much I threaten, I can't cut it off!!!!!!

at any rate, thanks for the laughs!!!

Rahshell Says:

I would hide the binky while Joe (3yr old) had a snack before bed. The first 2 nights he asked for it and I gave it back, night 3 he didn't ask, and he was done. It was amazing! Please believe I didn't come up with this because I was tired of the binky, he just didn't seem interested in it anymore but freaked out if I took it. He spoke so well for an 18 month old, I told him that I couldn't understand him with that 'thing in his mouth' and that's how it began. He wanted to talk more and knew I refused to listen with the binky in the way. I miss the binky, he talks NON-STOP now O_o

Read Says:

several thoughts....

1) I've always thought changes were best done at the earliest possible moment. (like learning to drink from a straw, or a sippy cup, or getting rid of a binky) Always easier the younger they are.

2) Sometimes number 1 above is complete horseshit.

3) I think both my boys were a solid 4 before we got rid of their pow fows (yes that's what we called them.) And we just slowly narrowed the times and places they could have them until it was just in bed and eventually they were done. I think it was harder for one than the other, but even that pain the ass was relatively short lived.

4) if one of my kids had said to me - "it's really hard mom" and then started crying. After my sobbing fit was over and I was able to pull back onto the road, I think I'd have driven straight to the store to buy 1,000 new pow fows.

5) Someone I know (not me) said they got rid of their kids' pacifiers by by very slowly cutting them so they were smaller and less enjoyable to suck on. He'd just barely snip the end and then a week or so later he'd take off another little sliver and he just kept doing it a bit at a time and he said his kids eventually stopped liking them.

Good luck!!!

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