Desire vs. Fear

Posted by Sherry , Wednesday, September 8, 2010 Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Over the last few days I've given my friend Kate some clothing that no longer fits me. A few of the pieces have been sitting in a bag in my closet for quite awhile, just waiting for a new home.

Before Kate even had her surgery I contemplated putting them up on my blog for the 'sisterhood' but kept putting it off. I told myself that it was too much work – a chore really. I'd have to take the photos, upload them to my blog and then find the time to mail them out to a deserving lady. I mean, Dexter season 4 had arrived from Netflix and Weeds was in the queue. I really didn't have time for such a project.

Then Kate asked me if I had anything I could pass down to her as most of her summer clothing was getting much too big.

See, here in North Cackalacky we enjoy the effects of global warming for about 6 months out of the year. I've heard that mosquitoes petitioned the Bush administration to relax the carbon emisson laws below the bible belt so they'd have more time during the year to help Ann Coulter write her new book. In any case, we'll be wearing shorts around here for quite awhile longer. Its freakin' hot and will be until Turkey day or the nearest iceberg melts and hits Hilton Head. Whichever comes first.

Kate is a good friend and so of course I was happy to pass some clothes on to her but it shouldn't surprise you that giving the clothes to her was easier than mailing them out. And not just because going to the post office requires a brush up on my meditation techniques and a double dose of Xanax.

Giving the clothes to Kate is easier because I know I can GET THEM BACK. Yep. I said it. I'm afraid I'll need those clothes again. Despite my weight loss success, despite the changes in lifestyle that I'm making and now finding a routine part of life, I still have the 'gaining it back' fear. And honestly, its a big dark cloud that I'm not even READY to see disappear.

I'm still working through all my weight related issues. Being only 5.5 months post-surgery I'm not quite at a point in my journey when the DESIRE to be healthy and thin is stronger and more poignant than the FEAR of being fat and out of shape. I'm hoping I get to that point and I have faith that I WILL get there, I'm just not there yet.

I'm not 100% certain of this but when I read the S.O.B. stories and blog updates of those who have been successful at maintaining their weight loss (banded or not) I notice that many of them (not all of them though) have actually crossed that threshold. It's no longer fear that is driving their diet, regular weigh-ins, making the right food choices and exercising, it is desire.

Maybe that is a distinction that in the long term, doesn't make a difference for many of you but for me I think it is going to be a real turning point.

Right now the fear of gaining the weight back helps move me forward. Most days it is fear of being a colossal failure that helps me work my band. It's the fear of having put myself and my family through the obstacle of a selective surgery for nothing that keeps me choosing yogurt over cookies. It's the fear of never getting the chance to wear designer jeans thet makes me crank out another set of abdominal exercises. It's the fear of looking back and seeing "what could have been" that makes me put my fork down.

I'm not ready to let go of the fear yet. I'm not ready to say good-bye to overweight Sherry. Heck, I'm not even ready to say goodbye to my size 18 Lands End Bermuda shorts. And I think that's ok, for now.

Kate pinky swore, signed an affadavit in her own blood and promised me her best piece of David Yurman jewelry that once she no longer needed these clothes she'd offer them back to me before sending them off to the 'sisterhood' or Goodwill.

I'm hoping, however, that when that day comes, I'll be ready for the clothes, and my fear, to find a new home.

14 Response to "Desire vs. Fear"

Nella Says:

Love the new profile pic! Great post!
Its all gonna work out in your favour...stay positive!

Angela Says:

Wow! I love what you said and how you said it. I too have some clothes that I won't get rid of "just in case." I wonder when the shift from fear to desire will happen and if I will even notice. And as far as the heat goes...I can remember years where we wore shorts on Christmas morning and flip flops on New Years so I am sweating it out with ya.

-Grace- Says:

Great post, as usual.

Theresa Says:

So thought provoking and I so get this. I hope we get there too!

Catherine55 Says:

This was a really good post -- very thought provoking. I don't know exactly when I crossed that point when I was able to let go of my bigger clothing without being scared that I would need them. I think it took me a 4-6 size window from my current size (during the various phases) to be able to let clothing go for good. I still have a few 12s in my closet, though I've been at an 8/10 for months now. Maybe one day I'll let those go, too.

I thought your comment was interesting about the drive behind working out and continuing to (more often than not) make good food choices. At first, for me, it was about constantly moving toward goal and hitting new low weights. Now my scale is pretty steady, and it's more of a fun exercise to see how good I can get my body to look and how fit I can be.

It's so weird. After nearly two years on this journey, I have a hard time remembering being the more sedentary version of myself who was so unhappy about her weight. I wish I would have known sooner how freeing it would be feel to un-shoulder that burden. Thanks for the great post. Really enjoyed reading it.

Amy Says:

Sherry, as always, a post that made me think, laugh, and nod in agreement. You rock!

Cindylew Says:

I read Dr. Phil's Weight Loss book a few years ago and getting rid of those old clothes is actually one of his steps toward permanent weight loss. His theory was such that if you keep them (out of fear of needing them again) then you are creating your own destiny and you will surely make that fear a reality.
I hear ya sister and share most of these same feelings.

Jenny Says:

This is a great post. This journey is an interesting one. We will get through this and we will all succeed together!!

Joey Says:

You complete me.
I haven't been giving clothes away until I'm a couple sizes smaller. Except for to Gilly - probably because I know I can get it back if I reallllly want it. Do you hear that, Gilly? No hemming!

♥ Drazil ♥ Says:

Great post as usual....I love your writing and thoughts....and wow Sherry - love that new profile look so young. I know one thing - your heart has outgrown your clothes for've got a big one inside you for sure!

P Says:

thank you for saying it! It's scary to go forward, when all you know is what you've experienced time and time again. I love that Kate said nearly the same thing in her blog as well.

Kristin Says:

Excellllent post. Excellent.

Stephanie F. Says:

Excellent post! I can totally relate with the fear of needing to keep the too big clothes! I have been there, when I gave them away and when I got them out of the attic... Hopefully with the help of the band I will be able to let go for good!!

:o) Stephanie

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