Boo! Scared ya, didn't I?

Posted by Sherry , Tuesday, October 26, 2010 Tuesday, October 26, 2010

In the couple of weeks since I've been gone from the blogosphere I've enjoyed such things as hot tubs, wine, pumpkin patches, girls weekend away, wine, a massage by a hippy mountain man that repeated the phrase “relax and restore” about 37 times in the course of 90 minutes, wine, and of course, vodka.

Yet, each of these events, with great stories accompanying, have taken a back seat in my brain since watching this vlog by the crazy yet inspiring Amy W., and her blog posts that followed.

Typically I prefer to be the star in my blog but such an even as eating an entire hamburger WITH BUN, whilst sporting a Lap-Band, trumps my self-centeredness and it simply must be addressed.

See, I'm feeling a bit like you feel after someone you know has experienced something tragic—like a car accident, or the loss of a loved one or your skirt tucked into the back of your pantyhose: What if it was me?!

I try not to be too judgmental (at least not to anyone's face) and so I'm withholding my judgment for Amy's cardinal banded sin. And it seems like she's received enough spankings from her followers to warrant her a plaque in the S&M hall of fame. Instead I find myself biting my fingernails with worry, furrowing my un-botoxed brow and looking at burgers, bagels and doughnuts in an entirely different with mixture of horror and longing.

See, hearing that my inspiration has successfully gone where no bandster has gone before has done a number on me.

Call me naive but I seriously thought that eating burgers with buns, untoasted loxed and creamed cheesed bagels, Panera's Chicken Caesar Sandwiches were feats that were simply not possible with banded restriction.

Now, if you have followed my banded history you know that it took me F.O.R.E.V.E.R. to get any resemblance of restriction in my band. But once I got some (at about 7 ccs in a 10 cc band) Leona put the “kabash” on just about every food I've mentioned above. She simply stops it in its tracks.

While I recognize that everyone is different and perhaps Amy's ability to conquer this burger-beast is a one-off, I live in fear.

Regardless of how much research we did prior to getting our bands, regardless of how mentally and emotionally ready we were for such step, getting the band did require us to take a leap of faith. The gastric band, in the world of medical procedures, is relatively new. There aren't exactly thousands of well known bandsters who have had their band longer than a few years and are out there sharing their stories.

How do I know I won't tap out my band and be without restriction forever? How do I know that this amazing feeling of fullness and satisfaction that I get now after eating a small amount of food won't disappear someday even with a filled band?

Although each day I am finding new ways to analyze my relationship with food and with feeling/being fat, I haven't conquered it yet. I'm not yet free.


While I hope that I can be buried with my band, a thin, healthy woman, a part of me also hopes that if for some reason Leona and I had to part ways, I would still be able to maintain a healthy relationship with food and my weight.

I'm using this band as a tool, not as a cure.

My paranoia, however, is that Leona is going to crap out on me before I'm ready to make my way into remission.

8 Response to "Boo! Scared ya, didn't I?"

Gilly Says:

Angel...I've lost over 100lbs and I can eat bread with reckless abandon. Steak too. I have to tell myself to stop. Sometimes it's REALLY hard. Sometimes I don't listen to me. But mostly I do. Like you, I worry about the day when I stop being able to do that. Will my band ever be tight enough to stop me from effing up once AGAIN? Interesting, scary questions. And DID scare me.

Delighted you're back though!

Darlin1 Says:

Hopefully Leona will never crap out on you. Funny I was morbidly speaking to my husband yesterday and talked about how weird it would be to find my mummified corpse with a band attached. ;-}

Camille Says:

I also would like to have my remains say "Allergan" on them. The hamburger incident (as it must be called) has put a little fear in all of us.

Amy W. Says:

Oh my little bunless love muffin. I miss you. Lets go clubbing, where you can tip the horrible dj to play me some Luda, get drunk, and spoon.


It wasnt that scary. I kinda liked it. But...I still dont know how in the hell it happened. But remember, it wasnt just the hamburger. On two seperate occasions the week before I ate 4 pieces of pizza...hand tossed crust and all. But, I do feel like a fill would for sure remedy the situation. I need a little toppin' off that's all. I have only had one fill in the last calendar year...and it's probably time. No worries. But, I do feel you....that we are really just one band removal away from the fat train. It's a hard concept to convey to the non-banded really.

And p.s. I can never get enough spankins!

Donut Butt Says:

Sometimes I wonder about what would happen if I ever lost my band. Scares the crap out of me!! And I pray that I never do lose it. I wonder if the band will melt in the cremator...or come out in one piece? you got me thinking.

Joey Says:

I live in fear and I plan to keep it that way. Amy had a fluke moment is what I like to tell myself. The truth is that there are many things I'm not able to eat but I sure as hell can eat a lot of ice cream. My point is that the weight can come back, it's always possible. That's why we work so hard.

Gen Says:

And there you go - the answer to Amy's hamburger incident - only one fill in the past year!

The band can always be topped off. Take it from me, after being super overfilled, that baby can tighten all the way up when you need it to!

It is also the fickle band syndrome - like Amy, I had 3 pieces of regular pizza in a row a couple weeks ago. Now I can barely get down one slice of thin crust. WTF?

I think I need a little more fear. I am too freaking complacent right now!

Jess Says:

Losing weight is the easy part. Let's hope we can all fix our heads so if we're ever faced with an eternity of being able to eat hamburgers for every meal, we won't.

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