A Safari Of Sorts

Posted by Sherry , Tuesday, June 15, 2010 Tuesday, June 15, 2010

As I waddle around Myrtle Beach in my JCPenny tankini (more on why I am wearing a $14.99 old lady fat-squisher-outer and not my ultra-flattering, SPECIAL ORDERED miracle-working swimsuits later) I find myself searching here, there and everywhere for my Band.

Are you there Leona? Or are you too busy forging tax documents to be bothered with helping the little people?

As a tourist here in the Redneck Riviera I have stumbled upon such lovely items as Golden Oreos, meat-monster pizza, bacon cheeseburgers, 36 oz. margaritas, ice cream cones called “Birthday Cake Carnival” that come in a cup the size of a 2 year old's head and fuzzy navel wine coolers. And let us not forget -- the most beautiful mullets I've ever seen (one Kentucky Waterfall in particular was so beautiful it almost brought me to my knees). Yet, for all these fantastic pieces of American culture I have found, my Band remains elusive.

I don't remember leaving it at home but then again my husband packed the car and if Leona is stashed away in the big white and blue beach bag that contained ALL OF MY SPECIAL ORDERED SWIMSUITS (not to mention Ruby's adorable boutique swimwear, waters-shoes and swim diapers) then, well, it is probably still sitting in the foyer next to the garage door.

Now, as most of my fine readers are or have at one time been 'big girls' I feel I can safely assume that you indeed empathized (perhaps you even gasped in horror) when I told you that upon arriving at our lovely beach-side hotel, I found that in fact I was sans ANY SWIMSUIT OF ANY KIND. At the beach. Hours and hours from home. Without a swimsuit. Over a size 14.

Now, for a 'normal' sized girl, a forgotten swimsuit whilst on a beach vacation is perhaps worth some frustration. Perhaps even an hour or two of whining. But for those of us that shop in the big girls section some, if not all of the time? Well, THIS IS A TRAGEDY.

Ladies and gentlemen, I seriously cannot think of a worse vacation mishap. Jellyfish sting? Pee on it! Lost credit card? Use your debit! Broken flip-flop? Duct tape! Lost contact? Put a patch over your eye!

But a “big girl” has forgotten her swimsuit? Folks, we've got a jumper!

A big girl can't just walk into any old store and pick up a swimsuit. We have to try on hundreds if not thousands of them. We have to find something that covers the lumps and the bumps. And if we're under 75? Well, we'd prefer to find something that ISN'T pink and metallic gold hibiscus flowers with a granny panty bottom and ruffle around the middle (because that's JUST what we need as big girls! We need MORE FABRIC around our waist line! Thank you SO VERY MUCH fashion industry!) But surprisingly, its freakin' HARD to find a plain ol' black swimsuit that covers your lady bits when you are over a size 14. You have to special order them and pay $120! Which I did!....and it is sitting at home, mocking me as we speak.

So much to my dismay I'm donning a black and white tankini top- the VERY LAST size 18-carried in the “Everyday Woman” section of a JCPenny located in a local mall that has two other stores: one that sells fake flower arrangements and one that sells airbrushed t-shirts that say "I'm with Stupid" and beer koozies. From the outside this mall actually looks like it is frowning. Sad, sad mall.

That said, I'm happy that I was able to find something that fits and I'm trying to 'rock it' as best I can. But I would be lying if I didn't tell you that it makes me look just a tad like an overweight safari animal.

"Look kids! Its a zebra! On the beach! Wearing broken pink flip flops! With a patch over one eye! Quick honey, get the camera!"

The good news? The bottoms are just a regular old XL. From the LADIES section. I guess this zebra's ass is finally shrinking!

19 Response to "A Safari Of Sorts"

Gilly Says:

My heart breaks for you!! I am, however, relieved to hear that you found the softer side of Sears...or JC Penny...or whomever you are wearing. I hope there are pictures. I also want pictures of the "I'm With Stupid" t-shirt that I assume you must have purchased so you could spend the trip standing next to your hubs wearing it.

And I think the term "beer koozie" sounds very dirty. No?

-Grace- Says:

I just love your posts. You are such a skilled writer.

BUT I feel for you on leaving your hubs leaving your specialty bathing suits at home. Clearly the magnitude of such an occurrence is lost on him!

Amanda Kiska Says:

I bet you look adorable.

Bonnie Says:

At least your not a size 24. :-)

Sandy Says:

I want to see the "I'm With Stupid" picture too. At least you haven't lost your sense of humour but then maybe you are writing this on your third 36 oz margarita. Go ahead and have one for me!

TracyZ Says:

Oh no! My heart broke when I read that your husband was responsible for your lack of proper bathing gear. Thank goodness you had a JCPenny nearby!

Anonymous Says:

Oh, I hate it when that happens!!! For the love of Pete, why do we leave the packing of the car to the husbands? Obviously, they screw it up to some degree. I guess that is why I am a controlling bitch when it comes to loading up the car :) So glad you found a suit. Now, go ahead and have a 36oz margarita sans the guilt!

CC Says:

lol! this post is hysterical! i agree with grace, you are a great writer!

workinprogress Says:

I checked out the mullet - very scary :-)

Joey Says:

Sherry, I just want you to know that I am the kind of friend that you can call at 3:00 in the morning "Joey....It's Sherry.......well.....there's a body. Can you help me dig a hole?" Because I know I would freak out and kill my husband.

Way to see the silver lining 'Miss regular-section-bottoms!!!

Catherine55 Says:

OMG - that is terrible. I always pack my swimsuit in my carry on to avoid this kind of horror if my luggage is lost. I might have inflicted bodily harm on DH if that was me! I'm so glad you found an alternative though -- and major NSV on the sizes! :)

Cindylew Says:

"That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger"...who the heck coined that gem of a phrase...somebody's DH, that's for sure.
I'm so proud of you being such a trooper.
If I were you I'd hide your hubby's swimsuit and make him wear a banana-hammock for the rest of the trip.
Try and enjoy yourself toots!

Lea Says:

Sherry, you are saint for not feeding your husband to the fishes. Seriously. A. SAINT.

♥ Drazil ♥ Says:

Um yah - my husband would be penis-less if he did that. I'm not kidding - we'd be going home or I'd be skinny dipping to scare everyone off so I could swim in peace. Wowser with a capital W - I almost cried for you. Please promise me you'll spit in his supper before you serve it to him one night...it might make me feel a little better. How will I sleep tonight knowing your boobs are not covered properly? *sigh* The thought of leaving anything at home liket his gives me hives. I must stop thinking about it. Be well.

Dinnerland Says:

You are hilarious.
I love your blog title, I refer to it often and think about it alot too.
Sorry for your pain-- but you really made me laugh about the various vacay. mishaps (Jellyfish sting-- pee on it!)
FYI: I did get stung by a jelly in Jamaica a few years back and it hurt like a mother-f-er.

I DID NOT pee on it 'neither.' I just ran for the benedryl and the pain meds. I actually still have the scar... but am not nearly as scarred as you probably are after that horrendous shopping outing!!

Jenny Says:

OMG I am laughing out loud! I'm sure that you look awesome!

Girl Bandit Says:

Oh no...are you still married???? You poor thing...I feel for you....funny post though,....but not for you

Marie Says:

OMG I am just catching up on your blog and just laughed out loud! You are too funny. I would be so pissed if my special order swimsuit did not make my vacation! Sounds like you are making the best of it!
Have one on me too!!

Andrea Says:

I hope you bought that T-shirt and wore it next to hubby. I would have foregone the suit and just wore that and shorts in the water! ;)

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